Honestly until a few weeks before I filed, I planned to file for legal separation. I wanted to work on our marriage and be a redemption story that you hear about…but it just was not to be. It became clear that for our protection, I needed to file for divorce. It was and is tough to face that reality. I am so thankful for Cameron though I would be lying if I said I haven't thought that given the choice I would have taken a different path to get her (I know that's not possible…). We keep moving forward. For now that is enough! We just gotta get through August (and we WILL)...
I find it interesting, that choice of words. In my case, I didn't ever say that because I didn't mean that. "I need a divorce" would have been much more accurate. But unfortunately, my situation didn't lend itself to a conversation before I filed. That day was hard. The day it was final was hard. There is no rejoicing in the death of a marriage you had so much hope for.
Honestly until a few weeks before I filed, I planned to file for legal separation. I wanted to work on our marriage and be a redemption story that you hear about…but it just was not to be. It became clear that for our protection, I needed to file for divorce. It was and is tough to face that reality. I am so thankful for Cameron though I would be lying if I said I haven't thought that given the choice I would have taken a different path to get her (I know that's not possible…). We keep moving forward. For now that is enough! We just gotta get through August (and we WILL)...
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I am a social butterfly. I don't know if it has to do with my birth order as the youngest of 3 girls and sharing a room growing up...but I have always liked having lots of people around and many friends. At the height of my hey day in LA I went to see my friends' bands and other bands 3-4 nights some weeks. On nights I didn't have shows I met up for dinner with buddies or my sister or grabbed a coffee and a chat.
I am wired for relationship. I like the phone and people. All that to say, I'm really thankful for the connections that I have made in Texas and those people pouring themselves into our lives. It is so wonderful for me and for Cameron. The transition from Oregon was (and is) tough for me-I really miss the mountains and natural beauty I got so spoiled with every day. But honestly, it is getting easier to leave it behind as time goes on and that is in large part because of the people we have met. "Friendship-it isn't a big thing; it's a million little things." There are articles being shared all the time by my friends and family about "what happens after 'I do'" and "loving your spouse no matter what." The problem with these and my situation is that they don't match up. Sometimes what might look like giving up on a marriage from the outside is actually the only option. That is what can be hard about articles like these. I try not to take them personally but they feel personal. They make me want to say "well, but..." and explain where I am coming from. But I don't need to defend it-- I know that. It is just this knee-jerk reaction I have.
The point is not a desire to shoot down the idea of marriage. I love marriage as it is supposed to be. Commitment is awesome. Partnership can be wonderful. Mine was neither of those things unfortunately. It was ugly and sad and left me with lots of emotional scars. My "no matter what" just looks a little different. No matter what I tried, this marriage was not going to heal because one person can't fix what has been broken. That takes major work from both parties. When I reached my threshold for emotional trauma, the person I said "i do" to and the person I now knew were very different people. I absolutely changed into "I don't" at that point out of self-preservation and a need to take care of my daughter. Now here we are. I've had a hard time with some of my new adjectives, mainly single and single mom. But you want to know something, I really like sleeping alone. So there are perks. My nights are my own again-I can read or watch tv or work and then go to bed when I want to. That part is pretty awesome. The quiet used to bug me but now I see it as peaceful. Divorce was never something I wanted, but there is beauty in the midst of the ugliness of a damaged relationship's inevitable end. There is hope for the future. I am feeling happy and strong. And I will do anything that I need to do to keep Cameron and myself safe. No matter what. I have had enough of the fear, of the unknowns, of the ups and downs. I am ready to throw in the towel on crying and sleepless nights, bad dreams, scary visions of what could be, and the feeling that I can never let my guard down. So I'm going to talk to some people who get it. Counseling has helped me considerably, but I think meeting with those who have gone through similar situations will be so helpful to me in this process. In April when we were in Los Angeles, I started to think about another tattoo. So much was changing, and I felt a little lost. I had had to leave behind my life in Bend: friends, church, family, dogs, belongings. I felt displaced and sometimes those feelings got the best of me. My sister and I started talking about getting leaves to symbolize turning over a new leaf but for some reason none of the leaves I found ever connected for me. I kept coming back to trees. At the end of the day, I realized I had way more than one new leaf to turn over. I am extremely happy with the way it turned out. Broken art tattoo was a fun shop, and John Engfors (a guest tattoo artist from Sweden) did a wonderful job. My favorite part was just before he started when he asked me if I was "ready for the pain" and my response was something about having given birth without drugs after 23 hours of labor...:) The design is meant to symbolize the fact that roots can actually be wherever you are. Growth happens if you let it. I have other ideas for this tattoo in the future that I'm excited about. But for now it has taught Cameron the word "tree" and it makes me happy every time I see it (which is quite often as it is on my arm...). Happy little tree. These days, making sure my head and heart are talking to each other is a full-time job. To say that life has been complicated is the biggest understatement in the history of my years. I was living out the stuff of movies and it didn't quite feel possible sometimes that it was real. I am coming back to you. My voice feels lighter when I talk to people. I don't whisper or talk under my breath to avoid criticism or sound sad nearly as often. The hours I spend playing with Cam are so fun because I'm fully engaged in what we are doing. I remember in high school when I listened to country music (I blame/credit the Haines family and spring break 1997...) there was a Pam Tillis song on the radio called "Land of the Living" that I always liked.
The lyrics are: You gave him some good years Now you'd like them back Mistakes become clearer After the fact Now when you pick up the pieces But you can't make them fit Don't waste all your time Trying to make sense of it Just hurry back To the land of the living Things have changed Since you've been gone The world is turning In the land of the living Take a deep breath Life goes on, life goes on Come down from that dark cloud What's done is done Don't go down believin' You're the only one That ever felt heartache Turn to regret Oh, we've all got somethin' We'd like to forget, that's right Just hurry back To the land of the living Things have changed Since you've been gone The world is turning In the land of the living Take a deep breath Life goes on, life goes on Lean on my shoulder And whisper your tears We all need someone To echo our fears **I especially like that last part. Support, encouragement, friendship have all been crucial to me during this as I deal with some pretty heavy emotions and situations I'm just not prepared to handle alone. "We all need someone to echo our fears." I am glad to have some amazing listeners in my life who listen to those fears that I have and are real sounding boards but also help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I'm feeling bogged down. Grief is such a process especially when what you are grieving is not really gone fully. |