write a children's book! Started my draft the other night of a new idea (coincidentally about lemonade) and am excited to work on it more diligently this summer. I've been wanting to write children's books for a long time as it combines two of my passions. With my mom retiring, I also acquire a wonderful illustrator…so I think this could be a wonderful thing! Cameron seems to like the weird songs and ideas I come up with so hopefully other kiddos do too! Off to give Sandra Boynton a run for her money! <<<she has a lot of money, I'm guessing, so I better get cracking!
Today (as it goes with a 15 month old), we didn't do much, but the day was nonstop action. She is in a serious climbing phase and a serious destruction phase simultaneously. Every day we have this conversation: "You can sit on the chair, but you can't sit on the table." And I say "DOWN!" about every 45 seconds and then have to remove her from a precarious position.
During a FaceTime session with Cam's Nana and Poppa this afternoon, she trashed her entire room. Books were strewn across the floor, Baby Einstein flashcards were tossed everywhere along with some stuffed animals , diapers were pulled down and played with (clean ones, don't worry). The girl just likes to make a mess.
My room was not immune to the baby cyclone either. I picked up all the puzzles and their pieces 4 separate times today from my floor. That is what this stage of parenthood is about: saving her from hurting herself and cleaning up after her. Of course there are other things too, but I find those two things take up the majority of my time as a parent.
Cameron has already shown that she inherited some things from me. One, the girl LOVES to talk. Two, the girl LOVES books. I love both of these things about her. She is a tiny echo attempting to say all sorts of words and things that she hears. It is incredible. And if I read her this blog, she would probably attempt to say incredible and it would come out something like "incrrrrrbubble" and be really cute. And during the day we read quite often. Before bed it is 3-4 books depending on the length of them.
Some days are harder than others as a mom, and sometimes it is frustrating to pick up the books off the floor only for her to tear them back down to find the one she is looking for a few minutes later. But today, she grabbed a book that our dear friends Miranda and Ellie sent us for her 1st birthday called "Hello, hedgehog", looked at it, looked at me, and said, "Hello!" clear as day. It was…amazing. And it made it all worth it. Just that one little word. Today was a good day.
Hopefully at least one person sang New Kids on the Block when they read that title.
Since I was a little chickadee one thing has remained a constant in my life. I'm a rule follower. If the sign says "no left turn" in a parking garage I don't turn left even if no one is coming…"because it's wrong" (Buffy/Faith switching places--wonderfully entertaining episode, but I digress). Many of my friends are rule followers too. I remember one day at Catalina when Sarah Cashdollar and I were calling the weather line every 5 minutes to see if the temperature had gone up enough for her to be allowed to get in the pool. Her mom had told her a specific temp it needed to be. Her mom was not there. But neither of us even considered the possibility that we could or should get in before it reached that magic number. Deep down, I feel like doing what you are supposed to pays off. So what do you do when it feels like it isn't paying off to do the right thing? How do you stay motivated to trudge through the junk and come out the other side?
Especially now, I want to create a good example for Cameron with how I live my life and the choices that I make. Some days it is incredibly difficult to take the high road, hold my tongue, and just put my head down and push through the nastiness. Anyone got some encouraging words for me? I'm all ears (or eyes if you just type to me). The trite phrases just aren't cutting it at the moment.
7:20 am-hear first peeps of baby girl waking up. Check video monitor. See bebe talking to herself and rolling around. Go back to sleep. Hear more baby sounds at 8 am. Baby starts reading a book in her crib, content for a few more minutes. Shut eyes until "mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" is heard and baby is standing up in crib.
Go in nursery. Attempt not to breathe out of nose upon smelling child. Nurse child halfway. Change child while trying to play and distract her from the matter at hand. Notice baby is playing with tiny backpack with tiny farm animals stuck in it. Oh man, tiny stuffed sheep has poo on its paws. Are they "paws"? Or feet? Hooves? Change child's pants as others smell not so fresh. Finish nursing baby. Throw away diaper in bathroom. Gather trash to take out. Rinse poor sheep's back feet.
Ask daughter to come downstairs. Take light saber away from daughter that she has found lying in the hallway. Pick up daughter as she has a fit about light saber being taken away. Carry trash, sippy cup, and baby downstairs while doing the fun jumpy down the stairs routine that makes the baby happy. Enjoy baby giggles and smiles as a result. Make coffee (finally). Let baby play with Tupperware to buy a little time to enjoy 1/4 of the coffee.
Get yogurt out for bebe. Enjoy the delighted cheers for "ya-ya!" Cut up peaches. Make bacon. Make eggs. Breakfast burrito for self. Feed baby some yogurt. Fill up sippy cup with water. Tear up tortilla for bebe. Say "spoon!" 17 times to make baby laugh. Take pics of baby making faces at tortilla. Finish making own breakfast. Distract baby by singing and dancing. Feed baby more yogurt. Give baby a bite of bacon. Baby wants more (all the rest has salsa on it so get up and make baby her very own piece of bacon). Let baby feed herself the last half inch of yogurt. Watch breakfast getting cold. Text with father and sister to feel like an adult for a moment. Finish bacon for baby. Put bacon in freezer to cool down. Say softly but firmly, "No no, don't throw peaches on the ground!" Pick up peaches from ground. Wipe off high chair tray that is covered in yogurt. Wipe off baby's hands and face as they are covered in yogurt. Wash dishes. Load dishwasher. Run dishwasher. Give cooled down bacon to baby. Eat 3/4 of cold breakfast. Warm up coffee.
Clean tray again. Take off bib. Let baby down. Remove baby from the storage container she has climbed onto in the .2 seconds she has been down from the highchair.
Realize it is only 9:25 am
Playtime! Chase baby around couch. Play tiny piano with baby. Praise her Mozart-like banging skills on the piano. Put car seat back together after washing cover. Take baby down off chairs at kitchen table approximately 23 times. Make 2nd cup of coffee (decaf this time). Un-do rolled up tunnel so baby can play. Play peek-a-boo with baby and tunnel. Clean up kitchen. Take video of baby dancing to crazy piano demo music. Play some more. Take baby off chairs 9 more times. Sit on bottom step with baby while she bounces up and down. Cuddle with baby on couch while she has the hiccups. Talk to sister for 5 minutes on phone. Take child off chairs 6 times during phone call. Carry baby upstairs for nap time. Wrestle squirmy not wanting to lie on the floor baby. Change diaper. Read 3 stories. Put baby down for nap. Rub back. Throw away diaper. Retreat to room to do some work and pay some bills. It is 11:30 am.
I miss my dog. He was a good one. I remember a stranger once said he had a face only a mother could love. Sidenote: rude! But love it, I did. Oh what a face! Boxers are full of expression. They are emotional dogs. When I went out of town, Arthur ALWAYS lost weight. He just liked his person to be there. It made everything better in his world.
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. — Roger Caras One of my childhood friends just got a boxer, and I'm jealous (in the most positive "I'm really happy for him" kind of way). I look forward to the day when I can rescue another boxer for us. I miss weird things like needing to stop in the pet aisles at stores or even rushing to get back home by a certain time because the dog needs to go out. I've been used to doing those things for a decade. And I absolutely miss the cuddles.
No matter how little money and how few possessions, you own, having a dog makes you rich. — Louis Sabin
Arthur changed me in all the best ways, and I'll never forget him. Because I wasn't there when he was put to sleep, sometimes it seems like he isn't actually gone. It's odd. And a harsh reality when I think about the fact that he isn't here anymore. There will never be another Arthur, but there is room in my heart and absolutely in cameron's for a dog, a boxer! :) That girl says "doggie!" and "puppy!" more times in a day than I can count. Obsessed. It makes me happy.
There's just something about dogs that makes you feel good. You come home, they're thrilled to see you. They're good for the ego. — Janet Schnellman
I was always thrilled to see him too! He is still here in my heart. He was a gift in my life.
Listening to Disney songs on Pandora with the wee one yesterday, the song from Tangled struck me differently than it used to. It used to be a duet. Now it's a solo….
Many times I have described my feelings after October as coming out of the fog. It took awhile. I had to shake the thoughts and feelings that had permeated my mind for so long. There were thoughts about myself, my capabilities, feelings of hopelessness and frustration. There are still moments of frustration, for sure. After all I'm still human. And I'm a parent. Pretty sure it is impossible to be alive and also a parent and not feel frustrated at some point (like when your child pours a giant full cup of water on you while they are in the tub and you are sitting on the floor beside them and your clothes are soaking wet but you know they didn't do it on purpose, but man that's annoying…). Here's the song lyrics:
All those days watching from the windows All those years outside looking in All that time never even knowing Just how blind I've been Now I'm here blinking in the starlight Now I'm here suddenly I see Standing here it's all so clear I'm where I'm meant to be
And at last I see the light And it's like the fog has lifted And at last I see the light And it's like the sky is new And it's warm and real and bright And the world has somehow shifted All at once everything looks different Now that I see you
All those days chasing down a daydream All those years living in a blur All that time never truly seeing Things, the way they were Now she's here shining in the starlight Now she's here suddenly I know If she's here it's crystal clear I'm where I'm meant to go
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new. And it's warm and real and bright And the world has somehow shifted All at once everything is different Now that I see you
Now that I see you
And honestly the "you" that I see is actually me. I didn't see that for awhile. I hope some of you sang that as you read it...
When I was in LA and felt myself genuinely laughing again one morning wit, I actually composed a little ditty about it and sang it to Cameron in my sister's apartment. You can't get the wonderful tune I came up with via blog (holding up my sarcasm sign), but you can get the idea. Think whimsical and upbeat. :)
I feel like me again.
The "me" I like again.
And now I smile again.
And now I laugh again.
Cuz I am free again.
I'm free to love again.
And live my life again.
Things are getting good. And I'm glad I'm here to see it.
Those that know me well, know that I was named Mary Suzanne Taylor when I came onto the scene in 1980. But I was always called Molly. By parents, by family, by friends, in life…at all times, I was Molly. I am Molly.
In 1998 I started my freshman year at Taylor University and was randomly paired up with a roommate named (wait for it) Martha. So yeah, our door said "Mary!" and "Martha!" on it. Oh the myriad of Bible jokes we got…"Where's your brother Lazarus??" Ok, maybe it was just that one over and over and over, but I eventually crossed out Mary and scribbled Molly on our door anyway because it was obnoxious. The first day of class (every class, every semester) I inevitably had to tell my boring tale about how I actually went by Molly and could they please update the class list and refer to me as such. It seemed like everyone always wanted there to be an interesting story as to why Molly was actually not a part of my name at all, but I had nothing to entertain them with.
At one point Taylor even thought I was two different people which got complicated for scholarships and paperwork. It was tedious and silly. So that spring, I changed my name legally and officially.
In thinking about the concept of eating, drinking, and being merry it struck me that oftentimes I'm not merry; I'm Molly. Molly is a unique name that you don't hear all that much. Although I think it is becoming one of those classic names making a comeback gaining in popularity in places (other than the dog park). Merriment makes me think of people at a long dining table swinging their mugs and singing. And I guess that is accurate when it is constantly thrown together with the ideas of eating and drinking. I've heard it said that joy comes from inside while happiness is often based on outside circumstances. I would agree with that. But I'm guilty of sometimes repressing that inner joy. It helps to have a really stinking cute kid who is ridiculous and funny every day. Hard to not be joyful when she is so much so. When I've been tempted to wallow and pull the covers over my head for the entire day, that option hasn't been on the table because of the tiny human. For that I am very grateful! Wallowing, though often a longing that I have, does not do anyone any good. I don't want to climb into a hole and pity myself. What is the point? It is all about moving forward. I did not choose this path, but it is the path we are on, and I can't wait to see what we are going to do with it!
So for now, I am going to work on being more merry while being Molly.
If adults could be more like children, I think we would be happier. This is not a new idea. I mean, Jesus said it quite awhile ago…
I was reminded of this thought this weekend though as we went swimming in the neighborhood. There were 2 little girls there who were best friends. To me, they were little girls, but to the almost 5 year old we were with, they were big kids and SO COOL! She watched them for a long time. Then she walked over and talked to them. "How old are you?" The answer: "nine" (inner dialogue reaction….WOW!) "I like your swim suit," she said to the one little girl. And after a pause, "Do you like mine?" I loved the need for reciprocation of a compliment and not being afraid to ask for it. Can you imagine doing that? You tell a friend "I really appreciate you" and follow up with "Do you appreciate me?" It is truthful. It is probably what you want to hear. Just interesting because I doubt very many adults would actually ask that question.
Kids are transparent. They don't hide their feelings. Sometimes this embarrasses their parents as they ask questions loudly about people they see. When I was a nanny, I saw both sides. One little boy asked why my "booty was so big" but another told me that I was so funny and always made everything fun. Obviously tact and appropriateness are qualities that usually come later in life but the compliments come from the heart (as do the awkwardly worded questions). It is refreshing. I have taken this to heart recently. I know that I enjoy a compliment even if my initial reaction is to not know how to respond. So lately if I have a thought about someone and it is complimentary, I say it to them! If I think a stranger's dress is cute, I tell her. I mean, who doesn't like to hear that they look nice? I think speaking our minds could be beneficial if done the right way. Ties back in with encouragement, doesn't it? Apparently these are on my mind quite often. :)
Looking around the room, I see cards from friends and family on my shelves (otherwise known as the shelves that hang in the room I am sleeping in that belong to someone else…). I was organizing a month ago when we moved in here and found the cards and reread them and loved the messages. They are reminders of the love in my life. One from my sister KT reads "it's you and me, through thick and thin…god willing, more thin." We have both had lots of thick this year. And that is life. But yes, God willing, maybe this year will be a little thinner! I am lucky to call my sister my best friend. She makes me laugh, and we just "get" each other.
My friends Joe and Jen in the bay sent a cute one with birdies all over it that says "every single day, do something that makes your heart sing" which is a quote from Marcia Wieder. For awhile I had gotten away from music, but now I am back having regular dance parties with my tiny human, and that feels really good. I love music! It is part of who I am. And Miranda and Ellie (mostly Miranda ;)) sent a cute one with dogs on it saying "Friend. Good." -Frankenstein's Monster and the inside reads "you. great." In spite of the distance between us, I am so thankful for a friend like Miranda who is a naturally-minded momma like me and making it work every single day out of love for her daughter. We are forcing our girls to be bffs, but I honestly don't think we will have to force it judging by their baby Skype sessions.
Alicia sent me one that says "the shortest distance between two people is a smile." She was at Cameron's birth. She has been an INCREDIBLE friend in spite of the distance created by us leaving Oregon, and she is one of the only people in Bend I felt comfortable opening up to before I left. Jake and Alicia have helped me so much in the last few months through their support and prayers. Very very thankful for them and excited as they prepare to become parents to a sweet baby girl this summer!
Not only cards, but texting has been a giant source of strength for me. That sounds so strange, but it is true! Our TU girls group has a text going daily. We don't all write every day, but we know that we can shoot out a quick text asking for prayer or advice on kid issues or family situations and there is support on the other end in 5 different states. Pretty amazing.
My parents rule. Just have to say that. They are so very different from one another and fill completely different roles in my life. My dad jokes in stress. And I get that…I have that gene. My mom supports and feels deeply…and I have that gene too. I know that I can call either one of them on a rough day, and I will end up feeling better when I hang up the phone. When you stumble from childhood into adulthood with your parents and your relationship morphs into friendship seamlessly, it is wonderful.
Yesterday I received lots of random texts and notes from friends and family who were thinking of me on mother's day. They were not contrived messages but rather personal and from the heart, specific to me and to Cameron. And it meant a lot to me. Yesterday was good, but it was tough too. I mean, Cameron didn't even get me a gift. :)
Encouragement has fueled my tank many a day when I was dragging. Encouragement gives me that boost of energy that I need to be a good assistant, a good mom, a good friend. The fog I was in has been lifted by healthy encouragement in my life, and I am forever grateful. Balance is difficult under "normal" circumstances but it becomes nearly impossible when the ground shifts daily. I am inspired by you, my friends and family. Inspired to be a better friend myself and to encourage those around me. I have also learned to cut people more slack because you just don't know what they are going through. It is worth having that extra dose of patience if it can help lighten someone's load.
Growing up, I was lucky to spend tons of time with my grandparents. We were the only Muncie-based grandkids, so we got Friday night dinners with Gerty and Boppa and sleepovers and support for all of our school activities and games. Gramma Jean was just in Lafayette which wasn't very far either, and I have wonderful memories of playing double solitaire and laughing until we cried about silly things. Like the idea that her imaginary boyfriend was Orville Redenbacher. I don't know--I was a weird kid. And she was a weird grandma. And I loved it.
Because of my fond times with my grandparents, I want Cameron to have time with hers. In her first year of life, she has been able to spend time with all of her grandparents and also 4 great grandparents which to me is quite remarkable.
On Monday, Cameron's great grandpa John passed away following a heart attack. He would have been 93 this August. John was an inspiration. He walked EVERY day. And I don't just mean that he walked around their apartment. He went outside on walks, long walks, every single day. This is an even more impressive tidbit when you learn that his eyesight was practically gone. He had macular degeneration in one eye and the other one was not good either in recent years. He could see better peripherally than anything else really. One day when we stopped by for a visit, he told us a story. He had gone on his walk and happened upon another gentleman out doing the same thing, so they walked together for awhile, finally realizing they lived in the same building. John's pace was quick, and the man noticed this as he struggled to keep up. He said to John, "I'm 81! And I still go walking! How old are you?" As he told us this story he had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He said he didn't want to make the man feel bad but just said "Well, add about a decade to that and you've got how old I am!" He let out a huge chuckle as he repeated this line to us. The man was shocked by the pronouncement and understandably humbled.
John had lots of stories. He talked about growing up on the farm in South Dakota, his father who worked hard in spite of having lost an arm, time out pioneering, meeting his wife of nearly 67 years, life with his siblings, and his kids and grandkids. He loved his family, always wanting to treat everyone to dinner when people were in town, usually at Olive Garden once he discovered he enjoyed the chicken fettuccini alfredo. This was quite a step up from usual McDonald's favorites. One of my very first memories with him was in August of 2010, (my first time in Bend) and it involved hearing him commentate the old slides and photos that had been transferred to a dvd. The black and whites held so much history, and so did he in that noggin of his.
This past year, he became a great grandfather twice over which was very special. I am glad that Cameron was able to spend time with him. He was so incredibly spry that he would get down on the ground with her and do "this little piggie" on her toes and then hop back up to the couch. I used to joke that he could jump up off the couch quicker than I could. The man loved dessert more than anything. Many a meal would start with him talking about something sweet coming later…he couldn't wait for that and would eat quicker just to get to it sooner!
Though Cameron and I can't be there for his memorial tomorrow, we are thinking of him and the family and in the days following as things quiet back down and return to normal but without this special guy around. He will be greatly missed by his congregation, community, Grandma Mimi and the rest of the family. We love you, Grandpa!
I write because it pours out. I love my daughter, and I'm working hard so we can live a life that we love. If it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I'm happy to be strong and free.