It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The opening paragraph of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities has become rather iconic. Even those who haven't read the book know that line. Oh how I love the classics. I like how they use a vast vocabulary and practically force me to look up what words mean so that I can understand the author's tone and context. Books nowadays are not nearly as much of a challenge, and most of them don't make me smarter in the same way that classic literature does. Jane Eyre will always be my favorite novel for this reason. "This book I had again and again perused with delight." Every time I read it, I learn new words. And I want to be the most smartest. (Name that movie…)
All that to say, over the last 9 months I have referred to this as my "Dickens year". Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have always wanted to be a mom. And now I am a mom! Amazing! The journey to motherhood had its joys, and it held some deep sorrows as well. It truly was the best of times and the worst of times.
Today it is final. The Divorce. Such an ugly word. It is not what I ever wanted. Especially because of what my parents went through and how it affected all of us, "divorce" has always been a bad word to me. Sometimes that was even used against me as a fear tactic within my marriage, but I came to realize that God did not give me a spirit of fear. He also did not call me to be in a marriage forever no matter what happened and kept happening. The inner details of a marriage are hard to see from the outside. Often people are surprised nowadays to hear that things are over when pictures show people smiling on Facebook, but as I have said to friends in the last few months, you don't typically take pictures when you are crying, when you are fighting. Those true life moments are not there. Those are the moments you don't care to live, let alone capture for public consumption. Someday I hope to write about what happened if it can help someone else, but I am not ready for that yet.
So it's done. My marriage. I feel strange. It feels like a relief to be able to move forward in a real way, but it is also so incredibly sad. It didn't have to go this way. And I mourn for the relationship that I wanted to have and also for Cameron...for the life she won't know. But my hope is that this will be a better life though it will be different.
Life with just me and Cameron has become our new normal these last 8 1/2 months, but it is not easy. I realized last week that in that time, I have only been away from her 4 times for more than an hour. And the longest I have been away is 3 hours...180 minutes. That is a lot of togetherness. Most parents get to hand off the baby sometimes to their partner. I thought of that Monday as I was picking something up in a store after 2 appointments for her in the morning. Everything just seemed messy. I dropped the diaper bag in the parking lot, the cart had a wonky wheel, Cam wasn't wanting to sit down in the cart...I just felt overwhelmed. And I thought of all the moms who have to do things by themselves while their husbands work or on weekends with more than one child. I felt inadequate that this was so hard for me, this moment in a parking lot. But then I took a step back and remembered that this is us, all day every day. Me and her. No extra hands to grab the baby or groceries. Just my two hands. And I AM adequate. It doesn't mean things will always go perfectly. But Cameron is loved and cared for, happy, healthy and fed.
The future is wide open. I pray for guidance and direction when I have those little moments of insecurity. There it is. Our truth. Walls have been up for a couple of years but I don't want to be guarded if I can help someone who is struggling. This is not the end. It is the beginning.
All that to say, over the last 9 months I have referred to this as my "Dickens year". Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have always wanted to be a mom. And now I am a mom! Amazing! The journey to motherhood had its joys, and it held some deep sorrows as well. It truly was the best of times and the worst of times.
Today it is final. The Divorce. Such an ugly word. It is not what I ever wanted. Especially because of what my parents went through and how it affected all of us, "divorce" has always been a bad word to me. Sometimes that was even used against me as a fear tactic within my marriage, but I came to realize that God did not give me a spirit of fear. He also did not call me to be in a marriage forever no matter what happened and kept happening. The inner details of a marriage are hard to see from the outside. Often people are surprised nowadays to hear that things are over when pictures show people smiling on Facebook, but as I have said to friends in the last few months, you don't typically take pictures when you are crying, when you are fighting. Those true life moments are not there. Those are the moments you don't care to live, let alone capture for public consumption. Someday I hope to write about what happened if it can help someone else, but I am not ready for that yet.
So it's done. My marriage. I feel strange. It feels like a relief to be able to move forward in a real way, but it is also so incredibly sad. It didn't have to go this way. And I mourn for the relationship that I wanted to have and also for Cameron...for the life she won't know. But my hope is that this will be a better life though it will be different.
Life with just me and Cameron has become our new normal these last 8 1/2 months, but it is not easy. I realized last week that in that time, I have only been away from her 4 times for more than an hour. And the longest I have been away is 3 hours...180 minutes. That is a lot of togetherness. Most parents get to hand off the baby sometimes to their partner. I thought of that Monday as I was picking something up in a store after 2 appointments for her in the morning. Everything just seemed messy. I dropped the diaper bag in the parking lot, the cart had a wonky wheel, Cam wasn't wanting to sit down in the cart...I just felt overwhelmed. And I thought of all the moms who have to do things by themselves while their husbands work or on weekends with more than one child. I felt inadequate that this was so hard for me, this moment in a parking lot. But then I took a step back and remembered that this is us, all day every day. Me and her. No extra hands to grab the baby or groceries. Just my two hands. And I AM adequate. It doesn't mean things will always go perfectly. But Cameron is loved and cared for, happy, healthy and fed.
The future is wide open. I pray for guidance and direction when I have those little moments of insecurity. There it is. Our truth. Walls have been up for a couple of years but I don't want to be guarded if I can help someone who is struggling. This is not the end. It is the beginning.