It hit me today that I sincerely struggle with something-a desire to be known. I'm an extrovert through and through. I value time with people. Time to laugh, talk, listen to music, sing, frolic…what have you. In this chapter of my life, I do all of those things with Cameron, but it is different. We are there for one another's entertainment, but at this age, she can't give me much back except love. That love is incredible of course, but I need more. I need friendships.
Towards the end of things for me in Bend, I felt that I had become annoying. Hear me out, I know that sounds self-deprecating. The situation was this: I so deeply craved interaction that when I would find myself in a group or with someone outside of my house, I couldn't stop talking. I would hear myself and say "Molly, hush" in my head, but I couldn't seem to quiet down. I'm not sure anyone else noticed, but there was this fire in me that only came alive outside of my house. It tore through me from the inside out, and I had to try to soak up as much as I could before pulling back into that driveway and back into that life. Time away was an escape.
Those that have reached out over the past weeks and months, thank you. It has been surprising (and incredibly refreshing) to me to see the people who I haven't talked to in a long time who somehow just know me. The support received even just from a simple kind word goes deeper into my heart than you even know. Thank you. Navigating our new normal without any sort of map has been challenging. Cameron knows nothing else at this point, and she is a trooper. I'm a trooper too. And you know what, I'm not annoying.
There are probably those who think I share 600 too many pictures of my kidlet on Facebook and instagram, but honestly, some days it is the only way for me not to feel completely isolated. (Not being dramatic here, being truthful.) For someone that desires people in my life so much, this has been a real test for me. The nights are very quiet once the baby is asleep. And the thoughts in my head are sometimes extremely loud. But I'll be back soon. With more to say.