So someone needs to invent a retractable arm that comes out of a parent's belly button to open doors, turn off lights, just all around help when one's arms are full. I find that I always have way too much to carry with the babykins, diaper bag, car keys, sunglasses, water bottle...I usually end up dropping something (not the baby) on my way out the door.
This week has been intensely challenging on my own. Work was more demanding that normal, Cameron has been...tempestuous, and I just have a lot on my plate (that I can't go into on here). When it rains, it pours! But by the weekend we should be able to relax a little, and I am gearing up for that!
I try to get as much done as possible when Cam is napping but some days it is a battle to decide what takes precedence. Most often it is work, then shower, then other things like eating or a 20 minute snooze for myself. At night when she goes to bed it is another decision and once again is usually work that wins out. I am lucky to be able to work remotely. It allows me to keep my job that I love and be with my baby that I love all at once. Win, win.
When we get settled somewhere I will probably get an additional job so for now I am enjoying the simplicity (ha!) of what we have going on. Just need a few more hours a day...
This darling sweetness is a year and a half! How in the world? She talks all the time and is in her parrot phase. Pretty glad I don't have a swearing problem.
I have kept a little list going of her words but my favorite ones she says currently are: lip, heart (very hard t emphasis), up, buh-bye, and of course the ever favorite, doggie (which was her first real word)! She is stubborn and funny and loves to climb.
All in all, motherhood has been a wonderful experience-she makes it fun! Excited to see where we end up and the life we have together. <3 happy year and a half, dude!
For some reason that tag line variation I came up with today while lost in thought made me crack up. Grief is not funny. But I laughed nonetheless. We are pretty good at that in my family-humor is like a bandaid temporarily lightening the moment. But we are also real with each other. Balance. Wit and truth.
Through all that has happened this year, I am so glad that I have such an amazing family. I have had hours-long conversations with parents, sisters, cousins. We laugh all the time, but I can also vent and know that they will listen and encourage when I am feeling crappy. They have grieved alongside me as best they can for the end of my marriage, the loss of the town and state I thought I would live in forever, and the death of the dog who was a huge part of my world.
In addition to myself, I grieve for lots of things for Cameron too. She is so precious, and she deserves the best life possible. I know this life is safer and happier than what would have been but it is still hard to swallow that she is a child of divorce. With that grief I now feel excitement though at the prospect of fulfilling some of the ideals I had for raising her in Bend even if we can't be there anymore. There is better for us out there.
With my grief comes a side of happy, and it's bigger than the main course! The tide is turning.
That word has always sounded funny to me. Vehicle. I kinda like it. In high school, my bff Jenno's parents would "wash the vehicles" on Saturdays or Sunday afternoons. I spent so much time over there, I adopted some of their lingo. The remote was a "tuner." Money was "scratch." When we stayed in bed until mid-morning (or let's be honest, afternoon) her mom said we were "wallerin' in the bed." I still don't really know what that last one means.
That has nothing really to do with why I'm writing tonight. This week was HUGE for me financially. I paid my last bill for Cameron's birth. Baby can't be re-po'd! Hooray and hallelujah! When she and I left Oregon, a couple of bills were behind and were first priority and the others were able to work with me for monthly payments. And now they are all PAID IN FULL. I'm proud of that as it doesn't make sense to have been able to get there by this point by myself (but thankfully it hasn't been by myself). The other big part of this week was sending the last check to my lawyer for her services. I am so thankful that she was able to be my voice. I don't know that I could have gone to court emotionally, and I did not have to. She fought for us with a good attitude and pushed for what needed to be done. Worth every penny. But I don't owe her any more pennies and that also feels good.
And now….drumroll or something please! MY CAR IS OFFICIALLY MINE! I have not had great luck with cars. Here's the rundown:
1st car-1996 Honda Accord named Charlotte, purchased in 2002 after I graduated from college, totaled in 2003 after being stolen by 4 high school boys at 5 am and run into a telephone pole at 90 mph in Atlanta.
2nd car-1999 Nissan Altima named Lucy, purchased in 2003 after Charlotte's demise, totaled in 2004 after only a couple weeks in LA when I rear-ended a car in front of me that stopped short. Airbags went and it was worth less than it would take to fix it. Sigh. P.s. Airbags smell horrible and can leave chemical burnsz
3rd car-2003 Ford Focus named Iris (you know, because it was a focus) purchased in 2004 after Lucy's demise. Totaled in 2008 when an uninsured drunk driver hit my parked car at 4 am pushing it into the car parallel parked in front of it and the one in front of that one too! I went out in the morning to leave to meet my sister for brunch to find my car in pieces.
4th car-MINE! 2007 Nissan Altima named Oscar purchased in 2008 after Iris passed on who has treated me well and only been in one accident. I was sideswiped by a chica changing lanes last second (she didn't seem to mind there was already a car where she needed to be…). Fairly simple repairs and he has been lovely ever since.
So, twice my cars have been totaled when I was nowhere near them. It has been a strange journey but it feels really good to have made it this far! Blood, sweat, and tears…mostly those last two. Yay for progress.
When done well, compromise can be such a good thing. It can strengthen friendships and help marriages. But when it's unbalanced, it can be so detrimental.
In a situation of emotional and verbal abuse, the victim gets to a point where there is almost never a time where they are not compromising to please their partner. It is not worth standing firm for what you want or think because the benefits of that decision are outweighed by the extreme consequences. Walking on eggshells becomes the norm. Good days are just days where nothing bad has happened...yet.
By the time we were separated, I honestly didn't remember how to be myself without this new compromised part of me. I am just getting back to that old Molly (she was actually the young Molly) now where I feel strong in my decisions and know that I have value. Not only that, but I know I have good ideas and am informed on life and relationships. The jabs of the past no longer hold that sting.
Thankful for the clarity that these months have brought to me. Thankful for counseling and protection so that true healing could occur. Thankful.
I try to write a little bit every day-whether it is here or in my journal or on my computer where I am trying to write down my story in a way that pieces together and makes sense. I'm critical of my writing most places (but not here…) so if you have a critique of how I just type my brain here and how it is not fitting in to all the proper grammatical rules of writing, I get it, but that's what I'm going to keep doing. :)
Friendship is hard for me lately. Friends have probably noticed. And I am honestly and truly sorry for this. I struggle with empathy where I used to have it freely. It is hard to see their problems as real problems, and I hate those feelings and ideas that pop up in my mind where I just want to scream "THESE ARE NOT REAL ISSUES, PEOPLE!!!" because I know that they are and what they are feeling and experiencing and expressing to me is real and true! And I want to validate that. That is why it is just a voice. It is not an action. I would absolutely never ever want someone that I care about to go through what I have experienced this last year, but sometimes if I am being honest (which I am) it would be nice if I felt like someone who loved me really and truly got it. But if you never lived it, then how would you? And so therein lies the dilemma. I want my friends to be happy. Being sad gets really old. My 100 happy days have also each had a moment (or 10) of sadness in them.
I'm not angry, honestly. I'm sad. Sad that my marriage is dead and buried. Sad that I had to leave Bend and friends without saying goodbye or knowing I wouldn't be back for a year or more. I see pictures of friends' babies playing together and then I'm sad for Cameron and the life we could have had there. Ugh, jealousy: such an ugly little emotion, isn't it? I love my friends and am happy for them and all that they experience together. I'm just wishing so much that I could be a part of it still! We WILL have a good life…somewhere. I'm just mourning those losses of what I dreamed of for us. It hits me at some point during each day. I don't give in to it. We get up. We do fun things. We visit with people. I work. We dream. We swim. She giggles. I giggle at her and sometimes at myself. That feels good. Just like sadness, the laughter comes often.
What I am feeling is real and heavy. But I'm also feeling passion for where we should live and what I should do beyond my current position. This is not enough for us though I am extremely blessed and thankful for the job that I have. One part-time income does not a life make unfortunately. Once we land, I want to write even more and also delve into how I can use my story for good. Much like I don't want my friends to feel this pain, I hate that so many people out there DO understand. That means they lived it. We have to help each other. It is exciting to know that evil happenings can be used for good--true redemption! For now, I sleep...
Things are constantly changing. That is life! But it seems amplified in this last year as we transition into our next chapter. We have once again been thrown for a loop, but I know we will land on our feet. Just not sure where that landing will be.
Thankful for those who love and support us. The progress made in the last almost 10 months says a lot about what the future holds! Good things.
Though I know this is just supposed to make me want to buy some sheets from Sweden, it hit me deeper. Plus, I already am under my duvet cover from ikea so stop pressuring me, advertisers.
Before I left Oregon, I was not sleeping well. It took awhile to sleep well after leaving too (a lot of that had to do with getting Cameron's sleep regulated amidst random rooms and pack n' plays vs. a crib in her own room). But some of it had to do with the fact that the nighttime was always when the hard times hit in our household. My bed, my "comfort zone", as the ad says was anything but. I am glad that I can now rest easy. I don't take it for granted. And luckily the kiddo sleeps awesome now too! Sleep changes everything. I am a fan of it.
I write because it pours out. I love my daughter, and I'm working hard so we can live a life that we love. If it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I'm happy to be strong and free.