Friendship is hard for me lately. Friends have probably noticed. And I am honestly and truly sorry for this. I struggle with empathy where I used to have it freely. It is hard to see their problems as real problems, and I hate those feelings and ideas that pop up in my mind where I just want to scream "THESE ARE NOT REAL ISSUES, PEOPLE!!!" because I know that they are and what they are feeling and experiencing and expressing to me is real and true! And I want to validate that. That is why it is just a voice. It is not an action. I would absolutely never ever want someone that I care about to go through what I have experienced this last year, but sometimes if I am being honest (which I am) it would be nice if I felt like someone who loved me really and truly got it. But if you never lived it, then how would you? And so therein lies the dilemma. I want my friends to be happy. Being sad gets really old. My 100 happy days have also each had a moment (or 10) of sadness in them.
I'm not angry, honestly. I'm sad. Sad that my marriage is dead and buried. Sad that I had to leave Bend and friends without saying goodbye or knowing I wouldn't be back for a year or more. I see pictures of friends' babies playing together and then I'm sad for Cameron and the life we could have had there. Ugh, jealousy: such an ugly little emotion, isn't it? I love my friends and am happy for them and all that they experience together. I'm just wishing so much that I could be a part of it still! We WILL have a good life…somewhere. I'm just mourning those losses of what I dreamed of for us. It hits me at some point during each day. I don't give in to it. We get up. We do fun things. We visit with people. I work. We dream. We swim. She giggles. I giggle at her and sometimes at myself. That feels good. Just like sadness, the laughter comes often.
What I am feeling is real and heavy. But I'm also feeling passion for where we should live and what I should do beyond my current position. This is not enough for us though I am extremely blessed and thankful for the job that I have. One part-time income does not a life make unfortunately. Once we land, I want to write even more and also delve into how I can use my story for good. Much like I don't want my friends to feel this pain, I hate that so many people out there DO understand. That means they lived it. We have to help each other. It is exciting to know that evil happenings can be used for good--true redemption! For now, I sleep...