I don't mean to make light of combat in any way with this post. However as I have gotten some distance both physically and emotionally from my marriage, I see things more clearly. I did not know that other marriages didn't function like mine did. I had no idea that a complete breakdown of communication and crying for hours was not normal.
I read what I just wrote and it sounds ridiculous, but through my research on abuse, I am finding that I am not alone in this. It is shockingly typical to become numb to what you are experiencing and to assume that others have similar situations behind closed doors. Your "normal" must in fact be normal. But it isn't. It is awful and debilitating and humiliating. And no one should have to endure that kind of torture.
I actually asked a couple of friends after I left and got some emotional distance how often they cried because of something their husband said or did and both of them said they couldn't remember the last time. So I guess 4-5 times a week is not in fact normal.
Now that there is no contact I finally feel able to heal. The months that we were separated but with contact he was still such an overwhelming presence in my life and in my head. It affected every aspect but particularly my emotional and physical health and my interactions and ability to work and enjoy daily activities. Now I can do those things, but the PTSD is real. If I don't stay hyper vigilant, it creeps back in and I am back in a bad situation begging for it to be different. But I haven't cried like that in weeks and that is amazing for me. My head used to throb and my eyes were sore and the skin around them hurt to the touch.
I have vivid bad dreams that leave me with the remnants of a crying headache and a strange ache in my stomach. My focus is on the future and not the past, but I also don't want to ignore the reality of what happened. I want to protect my daughter and myself to the best of my ability. I am glad we are safe, but I also don't want to let my guard down. She is so precious and deserves the absolute best and I am realizing that I am too and I do too! It is refreshing to remember one's value.
Peace is a wonderful thing, and it feels good to have it in my life again.
**what does one do when your daughter screams out in her sleep at 4:15 am? Write of course...
I read what I just wrote and it sounds ridiculous, but through my research on abuse, I am finding that I am not alone in this. It is shockingly typical to become numb to what you are experiencing and to assume that others have similar situations behind closed doors. Your "normal" must in fact be normal. But it isn't. It is awful and debilitating and humiliating. And no one should have to endure that kind of torture.
I actually asked a couple of friends after I left and got some emotional distance how often they cried because of something their husband said or did and both of them said they couldn't remember the last time. So I guess 4-5 times a week is not in fact normal.
Now that there is no contact I finally feel able to heal. The months that we were separated but with contact he was still such an overwhelming presence in my life and in my head. It affected every aspect but particularly my emotional and physical health and my interactions and ability to work and enjoy daily activities. Now I can do those things, but the PTSD is real. If I don't stay hyper vigilant, it creeps back in and I am back in a bad situation begging for it to be different. But I haven't cried like that in weeks and that is amazing for me. My head used to throb and my eyes were sore and the skin around them hurt to the touch.
I have vivid bad dreams that leave me with the remnants of a crying headache and a strange ache in my stomach. My focus is on the future and not the past, but I also don't want to ignore the reality of what happened. I want to protect my daughter and myself to the best of my ability. I am glad we are safe, but I also don't want to let my guard down. She is so precious and deserves the absolute best and I am realizing that I am too and I do too! It is refreshing to remember one's value.
Peace is a wonderful thing, and it feels good to have it in my life again.
**what does one do when your daughter screams out in her sleep at 4:15 am? Write of course...