That would be empathy and sympathy.
Because of what has been happening in our world lately and because of what has happened in my own life, I have realized that there is this strange knee jerk reaction to blame the victim in our society. There are awful videos and still shots of prisoners (American and British citizens) being beheaded. I have not and never will watch any part of those videos, but I know that they exist. Well, last week on Facebook I saw that someone (not my friend) posted a status blaming these men for not "going down without a fight." This person claimed that if he were in this situation, they would have to shoot him in the back because he would be fighting back, would kick and scream, and would not just sit there and "take it." Wow. I would say that I have no words, but I do have some very choice words truthfully for this sort of ridiculous statement.
Sir, you are not in captivity. For you to proclaim that you would react a certain way after being abducted, imprisoned, tortured and finally taken out for execution makes you sound completely insensitive and idiotic. You have absolutely no idea how you would be in that circumstance. You can speculate. But when a person knows that they are going to die, I am sure that the mind gets rather clear. These men most likely wanted to die with dignity. Given the choice, I am sure they would have loved to say goodbye to their families. But they didn't get a choice about any of this. They did not deserve to be decapitated. For you to make statements like you have done sickens me. It sounds like you blame them for the way they handled being murdered. That is disgusting. And honestly, I bet you would be crying on the floor if you were captured by these evil men. And you know what, I wouldn't blame you for that. That is an appropriate reaction. Your reaction of shaming men who died is awful and offensive.
With the Ray Rice scandal, a lot of attention has also come to domestic violence and why women (or men) stay with partners who abuse them.
"Why didn't she just leave?"
"She married the guy AFTER this happened, so she deserves whatever happens to her."
"She did it for the money."
"What a bad example for her daughter."
"It's easy to leave."
I read these statements and more. I had to respond to a couple of them. I tried not to...but you know what, they needed to be addressed. Each one of those responses shows ignorance of the reality of abuse, a lack of emotion, and blames the victim.
I can't speak for Janay Rice, but I can speak for myself. Why did I stay? Why didn't I leave the first time I got a bruise at the hands of my husband?
Because I loved him.
Because he claimed to love me.
Because we were married. We were Christians, and I believed in making it work.
Because I was pregnant.
Because of the dogs.
Because it got better...for awhile.
Because he apologized.
Because the bruises healed.
Because he told me I was a bad wife, and I believed I needed to be better and then maybe the abuse would stop.
Because I was so tired.
Because he said I would lose our daughter.
Because he took my power away from me.
Because he convinced me I needed him to survive.
Because I was scared of what everyone else would think.
Because the financial aspects of raising a child alone scared me.
So many becauses...so many reasons exist for why women stay. There is a cycle of abuse. Following the worst circumstances comes the honeymoon period where you feel special and treasured by the same person who pushed you against a wall the night before. It plays with your emotions. Someone who has been in an abusive situation for a significant period of time is compromised in a number of ways. Verbal and emotional assaults often precede physical ones. You would be surprised how quickly things can escalate once that line has been breached and physical violence has entered the picture. I spent hours crying and no longer knew what I thought about anything. I needed to be rescued to see the abuse for what it was. He convinced me it wasn't that big of a deal. And until I was rescued, I stayed. I felt like I had to. Where else was I going to go and how was I going to get there? What would I do when I did get there...wherever there was? When I talked to someone in a leadership role about the abuse, nothing happened. Was I blowing it out of proportion?
I look back now and wish that I'd been able to leave sooner, but the timing of it all came together in the end. What matters now is healing and safety--two things I will never take for granted.
The very last thing a victim of violence needs is judgment. Support, care, guidance, and love go a long way. Judgment stops everything.
Because of what has been happening in our world lately and because of what has happened in my own life, I have realized that there is this strange knee jerk reaction to blame the victim in our society. There are awful videos and still shots of prisoners (American and British citizens) being beheaded. I have not and never will watch any part of those videos, but I know that they exist. Well, last week on Facebook I saw that someone (not my friend) posted a status blaming these men for not "going down without a fight." This person claimed that if he were in this situation, they would have to shoot him in the back because he would be fighting back, would kick and scream, and would not just sit there and "take it." Wow. I would say that I have no words, but I do have some very choice words truthfully for this sort of ridiculous statement.
Sir, you are not in captivity. For you to proclaim that you would react a certain way after being abducted, imprisoned, tortured and finally taken out for execution makes you sound completely insensitive and idiotic. You have absolutely no idea how you would be in that circumstance. You can speculate. But when a person knows that they are going to die, I am sure that the mind gets rather clear. These men most likely wanted to die with dignity. Given the choice, I am sure they would have loved to say goodbye to their families. But they didn't get a choice about any of this. They did not deserve to be decapitated. For you to make statements like you have done sickens me. It sounds like you blame them for the way they handled being murdered. That is disgusting. And honestly, I bet you would be crying on the floor if you were captured by these evil men. And you know what, I wouldn't blame you for that. That is an appropriate reaction. Your reaction of shaming men who died is awful and offensive.
With the Ray Rice scandal, a lot of attention has also come to domestic violence and why women (or men) stay with partners who abuse them.
"Why didn't she just leave?"
"She married the guy AFTER this happened, so she deserves whatever happens to her."
"She did it for the money."
"What a bad example for her daughter."
"It's easy to leave."
I read these statements and more. I had to respond to a couple of them. I tried not to...but you know what, they needed to be addressed. Each one of those responses shows ignorance of the reality of abuse, a lack of emotion, and blames the victim.
I can't speak for Janay Rice, but I can speak for myself. Why did I stay? Why didn't I leave the first time I got a bruise at the hands of my husband?
Because I loved him.
Because he claimed to love me.
Because we were married. We were Christians, and I believed in making it work.
Because I was pregnant.
Because of the dogs.
Because it got better...for awhile.
Because he apologized.
Because the bruises healed.
Because he told me I was a bad wife, and I believed I needed to be better and then maybe the abuse would stop.
Because I was so tired.
Because he said I would lose our daughter.
Because he took my power away from me.
Because he convinced me I needed him to survive.
Because I was scared of what everyone else would think.
Because the financial aspects of raising a child alone scared me.
So many becauses...so many reasons exist for why women stay. There is a cycle of abuse. Following the worst circumstances comes the honeymoon period where you feel special and treasured by the same person who pushed you against a wall the night before. It plays with your emotions. Someone who has been in an abusive situation for a significant period of time is compromised in a number of ways. Verbal and emotional assaults often precede physical ones. You would be surprised how quickly things can escalate once that line has been breached and physical violence has entered the picture. I spent hours crying and no longer knew what I thought about anything. I needed to be rescued to see the abuse for what it was. He convinced me it wasn't that big of a deal. And until I was rescued, I stayed. I felt like I had to. Where else was I going to go and how was I going to get there? What would I do when I did get there...wherever there was? When I talked to someone in a leadership role about the abuse, nothing happened. Was I blowing it out of proportion?
I look back now and wish that I'd been able to leave sooner, but the timing of it all came together in the end. What matters now is healing and safety--two things I will never take for granted.
The very last thing a victim of violence needs is judgment. Support, care, guidance, and love go a long way. Judgment stops everything.